


Cold, Cold Man

by DeadAndDying



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Freeform, M/M, light mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 06:00:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14928530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadAndDying/pseuds/DeadAndDying
Summary: Kylo whispers ‘I love you’s’ in the cold, dead nightHands, lips, and body hotter than the sunArmitage finds he cannot return the sentimentImagines Han’s body falling from the bridge every time he opens his mouth





	Cold, Cold Man

**Author's Note:**

> Brief mention of abuse in regards to Brendol Hux, but no specifics.
> 
> I felt like writing something about these two human disasters, so it's very loosely edited and all mistakes are fully mine.
> 
> Title from Cold, Cold Man by Saint Motel. Give the song a listen it's less angsty than whatever this is.

Kylo Ren has chosen his own destruction  
A bizarrely carefully crafted demise constructed of reckless decisions made on a whim  
And he’s angry in a way that Armitage will never truly understand  
Anger running so deep from miscommunication that morphed into betrayal  
He’s the face of the First Order  
Snoke’s favorite pet  
But he’s still just an angry boy with a family that has always loved him

Armitage never knew love  
He knew manipulation, disappointment, and neglect before he even knew how to read  
Anger and hatred that stemmed from his father’s abuse  
Buried so deep in his veins that he feels he might have been born with it  
He’s a General that ripped his success from his father’s hands before his body was even cold  
Snoke’s pathetic pet  
Never his favorite  
But his power reigns over his troops nonetheless

Love is abstract within their existence  
It’s walled by violence, death, and turmoil  
They’re told to believe that it’s for the good of the galaxy  
Forced to swallow the destruction they’ll never be able to repair  
In each other’s arms they find solace  
Peace within a universe entrapped by war

He doesn’t remember when  
Will never remember how  
He believes he now sees the way love and hatred can exist in one heart  
Brendol’s death was nothing  
Han Solo’s death was everything  
A father who loved his son  
Begging him to return to the light, to him, to _them_  
Confusion still burns at the edges of Armitage’s mind  
Fear ignites within his heart

Kylo whispers ‘I love you’s’ in the cold, dead night  
Hands, lips, and body hotter than the sun  
Armitage finds he cannot return the sentiment  
Imagines Han’s body falling from the bridge every time he opens his mouth  
His mind cannot consolidate what his eyes see with what his heart feels  
In their quarters, Armitage breathes, feels, and tastes Ren  
Outside he watches Ren destroy anything he can without blinking an eye

“Why won’t you say you love me back?”  
Ren says this with tears in his eyes  
Armitage closes his eyes, looks away, forgets to breathe  
“Please, just once.”  
But Armitage can’t, he won’t  
Kylo kneels before him, his forehead resting on Armitage’s hip  
“What do I have to do?”  
The answer is Armitage does not know  
As a young boy, he believed his father could love him  
Now, he assures himself Ren forgot the meaning of love the moment Han fell  
His breath is ragged, his voice raw, and his heart on fire  
“I don’t know.”

Ren clings to him  
Drag himself slowly up from his knees, body always touching Armitage’s  
The look in his eyes is nearly inscrutable, but it’s a failed attempt to shield the hurt  
“Yes, you do.”  
And Armitage can’t answer honestly  
Can’t say, “You killed your father who loved you, what if you do the same to me?”  
It’s weak and pathetic.  
It means he’s in love.  
“I don’t.”  
Ren sneers, clutches his shoulders  
Their faces are inches apart, Armitage trembles  
Ren’s voice becomes smaller  
“Are you afraid of me still?”

Armitage cannot breathe  
Armitage cannot think  
Armitage cannot move  
‘He knows,’ echoes through his mind  
Ren’s voice is sweet and soft.  
His voice is everything it’s never been, everything Armitage has never known.  
“I would never hurt you, my love.”  
And it feels like being punched in the gut  
It feels like watching his world fall apart  
Ren has destroyed worlds before Armitage’s eyes  
But he stands here intent on building one where they can be together

“How can I know for sure?”  
Ren’s face bursts into something more of a smirk than a smile, but it’s tender all the same  
“Because I’m telling you I love you.”  
And he makes it seem so simple  
Like loving Armitage is like breathing  
“Your father.”  
It makes Ren freeze, his arms grip tightly where they were soft just before.  
“This isn’t about him.”  
Armitage wants to tell him that it is  
That Han Solo is the most important part of this conversation  
Ren loosens his grip, let’s go of Armitage  
He turns away  
Armitage finds his voice once more  
“I’m sorry.”

 

He can see Kylo takes breath after breath  
Watches him as he tangles and untangles his fingers in his hair  
“I never loved him.”  
And Armitage wonders if he might be having a heart attack  
If the way his chest immediately loosens means that he’s lost  
“But I love you.”  
Ren turns back to him then, scoots infinitely closer  
His hands feel larger than they ever did before  
Armitage feels so small, Ren makes him feel so small  
Never the way Brendol did, never  
Ren makes him feel safe  
Ren makes him feel powerful  
Ren makes him feel _love_

So he tries  
But he can’t  
Images of Ren’s destructive rampages flash behind his eyelids  
“I could never hurt you.”  
Punctuated with a kiss to his shoulder  
“I would never hurt you.”  
Punctuated with a kiss to the hollow of his throat  
“I love you.”  
Punctuated with a kiss to the corner of his jaw  
“I am in love with you.”  
Punctuated with a kiss behind his ear  
“I would do anything for you.”  
Punctuated with a kiss to the corner of his mouth  
“I would give my life for you.”  
Ren kisses him fully on the mouth.

Armitage’s mouth gives, allows Ren access.  
Hot, needy, and rough  
Ren responds to him  
Softly, tenderly, and lovingly  
Armitage gets angrier  
Ren is impossibly softer  
Armitage claws at his back, pulls at his hair  
Ren encircles his waist, gently holds the back of his head  
Armitage relents  
Ren smiles into the kiss

“I love you.”  
Ren looks resigned to not getting an answer  
Sharply turns and leaves Armitage’s quarters  
He stares at the space he’s left behind  
He feels the space he’s left behind  
His whispered ‘I love you” goes unheard  
Sinks into the walls of his lonely room  
Armitage has never loved anyone before

Ren keeps saying ‘I love you’  
Armitage does not know how to ask him to stop  
It makes his chest feel warm  
Ren tells him to be careful before a mission  
Armitage cannot figure out why it sounds like he’s saying something else  
Ren bids him goodnight with a soft look in his eyes  
Armitage cannot figure out why he does not visit him at his quarters  
Ren kisses him one morning in front of Phasma  
Armitage cannot help the red that floods his face  
Cannot understand the lack of anger for the unprofessionalism  
Ren takes his hand as he walks him to his quarters  
Armitage’s attempt at yanking his hand back due to the stares is met with forceful resistance  
Ren keeps saying ‘I love you’  
Armitage doesn’t think he wants him to stop

“You’ve grown soft.”  
Armitage means to spit it out with vitriol, but there’s a smile on his face he cannot wipe away  
Ren bumps their foreheads together, holds Armitage even closer  
“I love you.”  
And Armitage cannot find it in himself to not smile back  
Feels his heart swell  
There’s a light in Ren’s eyes that had not been there before  
Wonders what could have made him so happy  
His brow furrows, his mouth turns down  
“You.”  
Armitage is startled, forgets Ren has the ability to read his mind. Has he been this whole time?  
“No, it was because you looked sad.”  
Armitage blinks at him blankly cannot understanding withholding from something so powerful  
“I would’ve.”  
Ren’s small chuckle turns into a full bellied laugh  
Armitage stares at him in wonderment, it’s the most beautiful sight he’s ever seen  
“I know you would’ve.”

And Armitage wonders how the barriers were broken  
He wonders when the walls they’ve built around themselves fell away  
Armitage look at Ren and finds he cannot remember the last time he saw Ren truly angry  
Cannot remember a time where his heart felt fear instead of fondness  
Armitage looks at what Ren has become  
Finds a man who was searching for solace in another warm body and instead fell into love  
Armitage wonders if Ren looks at him and sees the same  
He finds it doesn’t matter what he thinks Ren might see  
Finds it better to focus on the way Ren looks at him  
Wants Ren to look at him like this always  
Forever 

“I love you.”  
Ren looks like he wants to cry, or maybe, he wants to laugh.  
Instead, Ren looks Armitage dead in the eye and responds,  
“I know.”


End file.
